Signs of you

Mom, you always believed in "the other side" and "spirits". We used to joke that we would come back and haunt each other. That we would have a list of all the annoying people in our lives and they would be sorry when we were flicking the lights on and off at midnight while they were sleeping. It was all jokes and giggles. 

I took solace in the fact that I knew grandma would visit because we had a strong connection and she "wouldn't just leave us without any goodbye". I remember the night she visited. I was sleeping and it felt like someone was sitting on the edge of my bed. It was her. She looked different. Younger. Her hair was pinned up in puff, super high and there was a light around her. She was skinnier. She was wearing pin strip pants. That was weird. She always wore sweatpants. 

The next morning, I remember coming to you with my concerns: "she was skinny, is she not eating in Heaven? Why wouldn't God feed her?" and "she was dressed fancy, not grandma. Did some other spirit get lost and sit in my room? Maybe YOU Should sleep in there mom, not me?" 

You laughed and cried at me when I told you. You told me that not to worry. IT WAS GRANDMA. But, "when people go to Heaven, they are in a state of perfect health." So, she looked younger and healthier because she was. You said she visited me because you were too sad and upset to get any of her messages, but she knew I was strong enough to get the message to you. I'm glad.

Below is a picture of you. I wonder how old you were. I wonder where on earth you are in this photo. Why didn't I ever ask you? Did you WANT your hair to look like that or was it a mistake? Have you had me already? Were you in high school? Were you not pregnant yet? There are so many things I never asked. I always figured we would have more time I guess. 

Part of me wishes we would have known you were going to die. Maybe if it wasn't so sudden, we could have planned better. I would have been certain that your final wishes were completed. I would have had time to ask all the right questions. I would be able to hold you and hug you and tell you all the things I should have said. Do you think that makes me a bad daughter? I'm glad it was fast and you didn't suffer much. I would never want that. And that is not what I am saying. I guess if I'm aimlessly wishing for a different thing to happen, I should probably be wishing that you never died in the first place. LOL. 

I wonder if this is what your "HEALTHY heaven spirit" would look like? I hope not for fashion's sake, and because I would NEVER be able to recognize  you in heaven.

We used to watch Practical Magic and every time the broom dropped, you used to say, "I promise to leave you signs when I go" and we would laugh. 

Well mom, the broom never fell. 

Last night, I read an article by Silvia Brown, you loved her. She said, our loved ones leave all sorts of signs: (1) they visit in dreams (2) they touch you or sit next to you and you will feel their presence (3) you smell their fragrance (4) you hear their voice (5) Animals will do weird things, like black crows are a big sign (6) they will put objects that have meaning in your path.....there was more, but I forget. 

Once I was dreaming and I thought I felt you. But, I couldn't be sure. I wait to see you in my dreams, but you never really come. Have you forgotten about me? 

None of these signs have really happen to me. And I thought our bond would conquer everything. That we had a connection better than any other mother/daughter pair. So where the heck are you mom???????? Put down the sufflebaord, or the drinks. or whatever you are doing up there. Step away from grandma and Kelly and get down here and visit your daughter!!!!! STAT. 

My current biggest fear is that I will forget you. That I AM forgetting stuff right now. What if I can't tell my kids? What if I don't have kids and your legacyc dies with me? that's so sad. Why couldn't you have kept a diary or wrote me letters, why couldn't we just have more time? 

I will make sure I pay attention to the signs. I'll be waiting mom. I love you and miss you.