Whole new world

It feels like a whole new world.

I don't like it.

I want the old world back.

I want comfortable safe back.

I want happy love back.

I want you back.

My bed...

A few nights ago, I fell asleep and I
Instantly felt like I was laying in my bed... My real bed. With the AC blowing on me. And my room. I really miss my room. My house. My life. Most of all I miss you...

My dream felt so real. My bed felt so comfy. I felt so safe. The sheets were crisp and smelled like home. I don't know what that smell was... Maybe laundry detergant, maybe the scent of home is just you or maybe just crockpot smell!

I heard your voice...in your room calling me. I heard you open my bedroom door, the all too familiar creek, I heard your wonderful voice I miss so much. It all felt so real.

So REAL!

So now I have been trying to go to sleep... To come back to you, to be comfortable... But no matter how sleepy I am or how hard I try, I just can't get back to you...

It makes me so sad, but I can't just sleep my life away...

Silly Bands...

Silly Bands, you've missed Silly Band...

A few weeks ago, Jess' little cousin gave me one of her silly bands, its lime green and in the shape of a cowboy boot, it doesn't really fit the right way, but she gave it to me, so it's special...

We went to Walmart and bought a bunch to give out to the Kids at Fly-up...you missed it. You weren't there to see all these little girls who I have an impact on, who come learn with me every monday, who come ask me their odd questions and expect answers, you missed it.

You weren't there to hear me rant about finals, you weren't there for grades to be posted. you missed it.

You weren't there

"The Before"......and "The After"

7 months and 8 days ago, my life changed forever...

Its not like I ever saw it coming, it came without warning like some nightmare, some lesson I had to learn, some bad dream I will wake up from and have a whole new perspective on life, you see it in movies everyday...on T.V, except I never woke up, it wasn't a cruel joke, it wasn't a dream...It hit me like a ton of bricks, so fast. So unfair.

you see it on the News, but never really stop to think about how it could happen to you, not your loved ones...I saw it happen everyday in the ER, I know it happens, Why didn't I just see it coming? Why wasn't I prepared?

I don't have the any answers at all.

I have been walking around this world for 7 months without a mom. I have never been without her for more than a week...

I feel like my world is divided...there was "the before": before she died, before I understood, before my life was different

And "the after": the now, the world I want to escape from...

Before: it was calm, my world wasn't shaken, I was safe. I was just some junior in college, complaining about exams, complaining about volunteering, being too busy for my own good, never really stopping to care. But, I was safe. I was so safe. Mom bought me food, she did my laundry, she paid my rent, she bought me some clothes, she did it all for me, she was my safety net....

After:Its like a tornado in my world. And everything and everyone I ever loved could be picked up and spun off to some far away land with Auntie em and I would never see them again, ALL ALONE! So alone that I don't know what to do...responsible for me. for my own money, for my own life. I feel like every single decision that I ever make is wrong. I feel like my everything is gone....my life vanished before my eyes,

I didn't even realize my mom was the key to my entire life. But she was. She was the one who gave me life, and hers was taken so quickly...

So, how does a person deal with the AFTER?

NOW WHAT?

Always Always Remembered, Never Never forgotten

Mom used to say its not fair to use the words ALWAYS and NEVER because they were such strong words, which is very true the more I think about it. If someone says "eww! I hate Broccoli, I never eat it...", well that's a strong opinion, and you are lying because you obviously ate it once to know you didn't like it, so never is not a goof vocabulary choice. Neither is Always.

But mom taught me there is a loop hole in this thought. Its okay to say Always or Never, as long as you say them TWICE. If you mean it enough to say it two times, then its okay to use.....

And so, As of today, I am officially ready to rename my blog ALWAYS ALWAYS remembered and NEVER NEVER forgotten, just for you mom!

Its been 7 months and 7 days since my mom died, and I guess I'm finally ready to talk about it.

I am terrified that I will forget. That I will forget what she looked like, what she smelled like, her voice, but more importantly, what she taught me. I want to write down every important memory I can remember....that way she is always with me.

Plus, when I get old, I can look back on this and remember, even if its arduous.

So, this is what this blog is for from now on...