Monday, December 29, 2014

A poem for mom

A poem for my mom 
By:  Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

I  wasn't ready to let you go.
Even though It was just your time. 
I can't get that through my mind.
Because I wasn't ready to let you go.

It wasn't meant to be this way.
I'm so sorry for that dreadful day.
Because It wasn't meant to be this way.

The scene of the bedroom floods through my brain, 
The paramedics just should have came. 
I cry in agony over the pain.
Because it wasn't meant to be this way

I reach out and take you by the hand 
and hold you close as your body goes limp and you slip away 
Because it wasn't meant to be this way 

No I scream, this can not be.
This can not be happening to me. 
Please mom, please please stay
This can not be happening this way

Suddenly in a flash,
The paramedics came in a rush
The sound of my sobs muffle your heart's loss. 
It took a few seconds for your life to end
The paramedics tried but just could not win 
It took a few seconds
 for a life time of pain and sorrow to begin.

Mom, will the tears ever dry?
I ask you this as I wipe my eyes.
You fought so hard, but life took it's toll. 
Time will heal, but I just don't think so

Because I wasn't ready to let you go. 

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Lamb chop

I have had my lamb chop stocking for as long as I can remember. I don't think I got it when I was born, but I don't know any different. It is not Christmas without lamb chop 

I remember begging you to let me put my name on it in glitter. You said no, that it ruins stocking. I said yes that I deserved sparkles. You caved and I got to put Jessica Noel in glitter! 

Yesterday, I smelled lamb chop and it smelled like home. Like you. Like joy and love and Christmas cheer. In my mind, I was back in our apartment and the house was bright but warm with cheer, everything was decorated and it was just so wonderful. A sense of true happiness. 

Then I opened my eyes and was instantly transported back to this place without you. 

I hope you are happy. I hope wherever you are, there was Christmas joy. Maybe where you are, it's like Christmas every single day? (Only you wouldn't have to cook. Lol) 

Over the years, I have also come to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas without my purple macaroni ornament. I made it in kindergarten. I remember we spent three days making it. We all choice a cut out shape and wrote our name on it. I was sad that I didn't get to use the siccors. Then I wrote my name on the back, wrong and they wouldn't let me erase and start over. We did get to punch a hole in the top though. Then we got to glue on macaroni. All different shapes. I chose the shapes that we are with velvet a- our fav. The next day, we got to paint it any color and add sparkles. I picked purple, my fs color and added silver sparkles with a bit of rainbow. The paintbrush was huge in my hand. The next day we added a string and took it home. I was so proud and so were you. And from that day on, it has always hung on our tree. 

I miss you and love you and wish you were here to be cheerful and celebrate with me. But don't worry, I did a good job being merry for the both of us! 

All these years, you always put my Christmas happiness above all else, and now it's my turn to keep that love alive...

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

A poem for you, mom

The other day I was flipping through stuff and found a journal that belonged to you, mom. There were very few poems, and some cute doodles of trees, houses, and clothes.

They were beautiful poems

 My mom always had a way with words, but me not so much. Poems are hard for me. I remember not being able to write them in forth grade; it was quite distressing to me. But, my mother would sit at the table and marvelous words would flow out of her... it was beautiful.

So, I've decided to write a poem for you.


If Heaven had a Window

By Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

If heaven had a window, and you granted me a view
I wouldn't waste time searching
I'd only look for you
I'd listen for your laughter
And wait to see your smile
All because I miss
the scent of your shampoo

If Heaven had a window and you granted me a view 
I'd treasure that sweet moment and only be near you 

Here on earth I pray to God to show me signs of you
and every day that passes you're with me in my mind
I wonder if you're happy 
And waiting there for me
I love you and I miss you 
More than words could say 

I hope that you can hear me 
and listen to my thoughts,
and where ever this life takes me you know I've not forgot.
That once upon a time I was blessed and loved its true,
and if heaven had a window 
 I'd only look for you.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Play me some mountain music- feeling peaceful

There are some songs that take you back. They say that smell is the fastest way to spark a memory because the sense of smell goes straight to the brain. But, for me...there are a few songs that spark such strong memories. And I swear, I feel like I am there again. I can taste, smell, and hear everything again...

This morning, sitting on the sofa, Pandora played one of those songs, and I thought of you mom....

Now, in my house growing up, there was no shortage of country music (with my mom), old rock 'n roll (with my uncle Corey, only he preferred to call it classic), popular stuff (you know, N'sync, Alanins morresette, things they played in the clubs, thanks to Uncle Bucky) and finally, Oldies, but goodies (grandma loved, fly me to the moon, and other things by old blue eyes)..... so since I didn't grow up in a music snob household, I should have lots of SONG memories, right?

Well, there are only three that I can think of.... play me some mountain music, just like grandma and grandpa used to play...

1) Tim Mcgraw, "Don't take the Girl": I am almost 7. We lived in the apartment that had the breakfast bar. I was sitting on the bar stool and the sunshine was gleaming through the window. Aunt wanda was next to me, chatting with my mom who is in the kitchen...all about what is cool about living down in TN. Her voice sounds funny now, she's lived there so long that she has an accent. She played me the cassette tape of don't take the girl, and I was sold. That birthday, I got a boom box and his cassette, and I spent every afternoon doing my homework in my room using the little black walnut end table as my desk and memorizing every song.... I was in love. And when I hear this, I turn back into my 7 year old self, and I miss my Aunt Wanda so much.

2) Frank Sinatra. "Fly me to the moon": Every time I hear this, I can see my grandma standing in the livingroom, by the fishtank singing "fly me to the moon". I can smell her. And hear her voice. It's a nice reminder of her, and I love that. Miss you grandma, but your gallywag will always remember you, and i'll work on writing this book.

3) Alabama. "Mountain Music": The first time I ever remember hearing this song is when I was Indiana. Mom and I decided to ride the Shaffer Queen from the Lake, all the way around. The boys at the top deck were blarring this song, and me and mom sung along. I can see her. I remember the sun on my face. I remember that spaghetti strap shirt, and the sunglasses uncle buck let me barrow, and then that giant pimple I had on my forehead. I remember smelling sunscreen. Mom was beautiful, wearing her striped pink blouse. she looked so happy. We had so much fun. And when I heard this song, I was instantly brought back there...

it was fun to have a couple mins in the sun with you mom. I miss you! Later when I find the pictures from this event, I will post them here :)