Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"The Before"......and "The After"

7 months and 8 days ago, my life changed forever...

Its not like I ever saw it coming, it came without warning like some nightmare, some lesson I had to learn, some bad dream I will wake up from and have a whole new perspective on life, you see it in movies everyday...on T.V, except I never woke up, it wasn't a cruel joke, it wasn't a dream...It hit me like a ton of bricks, so fast. So unfair.

you see it on the News, but never really stop to think about how it could happen to you, not your loved ones...I saw it happen everyday in the ER, I know it happens, Why didn't I just see it coming? Why wasn't I prepared?

I don't have the any answers at all.

I have been walking around this world for 7 months without a mom. I have never been without her for more than a week...

I feel like my world is divided...there was "the before": before she died, before I understood, before my life was different

And "the after": the now, the world I want to escape from...

Before: it was calm, my world wasn't shaken, I was safe. I was just some junior in college, complaining about exams, complaining about volunteering, being too busy for my own good, never really stopping to care. But, I was safe. I was so safe. Mom bought me food, she did my laundry, she paid my rent, she bought me some clothes, she did it all for me, she was my safety net....

After:Its like a tornado in my world. And everything and everyone I ever loved could be picked up and spun off to some far away land with Auntie em and I would never see them again, ALL ALONE! So alone that I don't know what to do...responsible for me. for my own money, for my own life. I feel like every single decision that I ever make is wrong. I feel like my everything is gone....my life vanished before my eyes,

I didn't even realize my mom was the key to my entire life. But she was. She was the one who gave me life, and hers was taken so quickly...

So, how does a person deal with the AFTER?

NOW WHAT?

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