Thursday, May 7, 2015

Am I the woman you wanted be to grow into?

Mom, there is just so much you are missing in my life. How am I supposed to know if I'm making the right choices? You are the person who always led me in the right direction. How do I know if I'm becoming a good woman? You were always there to guide me and remind me of the important things: family comes first, give back always, don't forget where you came from...etc. I know you trained me well. But this is really hard. 

It's really hard to move forward in my life without you. I never imagined that I would have to do it all without you. 
I wasn't done learning yet mom. Why did you have to go? 

Well, I'm still doing scouts. This picture is from a recent encampment where I dressed up as a knome. It's important to share you gifts with the world (I'm great with children, you would say) and give back, so I still am. 

This is my upstairs neighbor kid. He is my little buddy. Sometimes, I watch him while his mom is at work, cus helping people out is a good thing. Paying it forward kinda. If there weren't some really good people in the world who helped our family out way back when, things would have been a lot different, you used to say. 

Still besties with my Jessjess. I love her to death. I wasn't always good at making friends, so when I connected with her, you told me to always be a best friend. Those are hard to come by you would say. Anytime we would argue, you would bust in the room and say, just make up're best friends and life is short. I think we do make up pretty dad t these days, mom. So thanks! 

This is me volunteering to help make meals for the Erie coilition!!!! Always a happy helper! 

This is Lauren. Sorry if you don't regconize her, she has changed into a completely different woman than that little kid we used to know. She is...well I'm sure you know, but I'm not sure what to do, you aren't here to guide me on this one...hmmm. 

I'm trying to get out there and have fun experiences. You were preaching YOLO years before they started putting on every piece of clothing. This is from the hard rock in Ohio. You would have loved it 

This is also from cleavland ohio. Fun times! I actually leaned on this guitar about five mins before this pic and the whole thing fell over!?!? Only my daughter you would say. Lol

So, am I the woman you thought I would become? Am i doing a good job? 

This is something special Lauren and I did for you mom...I wrote you a letter, remember???

And we tied it to balloons. 

That we wrote our happy memories on. Man, we had so many, I thought I might need a million balloons. Remember the snap jar? Doing our nails? Opening all the windows to smell the snow? 
Then we let go of them... And sent the letter up to you in heaven. It was a great way to remember all the fun times we had. And a great way to remind me of how much I love you, as if Id ever forget. 

Sometimes I worry that I am selfish. I feel guilty. In the short time you were here with me, we had such a great,close, good relationship. We barely ever argued. And if we did, we always resolved it. But in that time, we learned a lot. We were sooo close. And we made a million memoroes that I would never trade for the world. 
Then, I think...some people have mothers and will never experience an once of the love that we had. Some people didn't get THaT much time with their special loved one, and here I am belly aching that I miss you and I want more. Shouldn't a million memories be enough? But they aren't. They just aren't. 
It still feels unfair. Too short. And I feel like a rotten person for needing more. Am I selfish? Should I just let you go and be happy with what we had? 

I pretend like I'm through grieving you: I remember the good times in my heart and I don't think about the rest, but it's getting hard. 

Because I still miss you. I still have questions. And I still feel selfish. 

So, am I a woman you would be proud of? 
Am I selfish for wanting more? 

I love you mom!!!!!!!!! More than more than more than more than more times infinity plus....infinity*5,000, ha! Beat that!