Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Disassembled & Rearranged

Five years ago, November 8, 2009 to be specific, many things happened. It was the 20th anniversary of the falling of the Berlin Wall; The Healthcare Reform bill passed in the U.S. House of Reps; People were preparing for the upcoming Veteran's Day; and the News reported on a girl that had lachanophobia- a fear of all vegetables (yea, her and every other child in the U.S.)So many things happened that day... But, five years ago, one of the most important things happened, the world lost Anne Marie Payne: a great sister, my best friend, and my wonderful mother. She was completely selfless in everything that she did. She sacrificed her life, happiness, and love in order to be the most successful and best mother I could have ever asked for. As a child, I never "needed" for anything. My mother worked tirelessly to make sure that my needs were always wanted. And you know, as a single mom, she was both the mother and the father and she did a good job at it. I never knew that I was missing anyone because I was so surrounded by love and joy and values- my family. In fact, it wasn't until I was at least 9 that I realized I didn't have a dad. Myself and little Corey had been throwing the basketball outback at our tree all night and we came in because the mosquitos were through feasting on our ankles and exposed arms. The only light we had was lightening bugs... we were washing up, and we sat next to grandma on the couch, discussing what my Uncle Corey was going to do with the boys and myself the next morning. My grandma mentioned he was what a dad should be. He was better than my dad ever could be because he was present. And shocked, little Corey looked up, "Jessie has a dad?" and we all laughed. We laughed so hard that there were tears in our eyes, and little Corey was just so confused. My mom had done such a terrific job with me, and our whole family that I had never even wanted for my dad. I never wondered what he was doing, or if he was thinking about me. I didn't need him for anything- EVER. Yes, there was that ONE moment that he and my mom made me. But, after that one moment, my mother was transformed into a parent, a caretaker, a loving boo-boo fixer, a chef, a chauffer, an ATM, a personal assistant, a tutor, a santa, a disciplinarian, and a woman of strength, courage, and integrity. And after that moment, my so-called "father", was just the same as he ever was, he was a selfish teenager. So, I owe everything to my mother. I could never imagine life without her, and I didn't think I would ever have to endure this for a very long time. Parents shouldn't die until there children are very old, and have become the parent themselves. But, Alas for the last five years, I had to suffer through life without you, mom. I think God knew he was ready for someone amazing in heaven, and I think my mom did her job so well that God (and my mom) knew that I would make it, that she raised me strong, and taught me how to be the wonderful woman I am right at this moment. So five years ago, my life was disassembled and the little shattered pieces of my heart were rearranged. I have been strong, I haven't quit yet, even though I miss you so much. There is still a piece of my heart that will always be missing because I gave it to my mother a long time ago.... As I fill this blog with memories of my mother, and how much her life means to me, I feel like those pieces slowly mend back together. So, five years ago, I lost my mother, MY life was forever changed. But, I want the whole World to know that they lost something that night too, They lost a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. I think the universe has heard me. I think it knows what it lost, because as I sit here crying, remembering the joy in my mother's eyes and how vivacious she was...the previously sunny skies have opened and rain is pouring. The universe is weeping and so am I. We all miss you mom.

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