Am I the woman you wanted be to grow into?

Mom, there is just so much you are missing in my life. How am I supposed to know if I'm making the right choices? You are the person who always led me in the right direction. How do I know if I'm becoming a good woman? You were always there to guide me and remind me of the important things: family comes first, give back always, don't forget where you came from...etc. I know you trained me well. But this is really hard. 

It's really hard to move forward in my life without you. I never imagined that I would have to do it all without you. 

I wasn't done learning yet mom. Why did you have to go? 

Well, I'm still doing scouts. This picture is from a recent encampment where I dressed up as a knome. It's important to share you gifts with the world (I'm great with children, you would say) and give back, so I still am. 

This is my upstairs neighbor kid. He is my little buddy. Sometimes, I watch him while his mom is at work, cus helping people out is a good thing. Paying it forward kinda. If there weren't some really good people in the world who helped our family out way back when, things would have been a lot different, you used to say. 

Still besties with my Jessjess. I love her to death. I wasn't always good at making friends, so when I connected with her, you told me to always be a best friend. Those are hard to come by you would say. Anytime we would argue, you would bust in the room and say, just make up already...you're best friends and life is short. I think we do make up pretty dad t these days, mom. So thanks! 

This is me volunteering to help make meals for the Erie coilition!!!! Always a happy helper! 

This is Lauren. Sorry if you don't regconize her, she has changed into a completely different woman than that little kid we used to know. She is...well I'm sure you know, but I'm not sure what to do, you aren't here to guide me on this one...hmmm. 

I'm trying to get out there and have fun experiences. You were preaching YOLO years before they started putting on every piece of clothing. This is from the hard rock in Ohio. You would have loved it 

This is also from cleavland ohio. Fun times! I actually leaned on this guitar about five mins before this pic and the whole thing fell over!?!? Only my daughter you would say. Lol

So, am I the woman you thought I would become? Am i doing a good job? 

This is something special Lauren and I did for you mom...I wrote you a letter, remember???

And we tied it to balloons. 

That we wrote our happy memories on. Man, we had so many, I thought I might need a million balloons. Remember the snap jar? Doing our nails? Opening all the windows to smell the snow? 

Then we let go of them... And sent the letter up to you in heaven. It was a great way to remember all the fun times we had. And a great way to remind me of how much I love you, as if Id ever forget. 

Sometimes I worry that I am selfish. I feel guilty. In the short time you were here with me, we had such a great,close, good relationship. We barely ever argued. And if we did, we always resolved it. But in that time, we learned a lot. We were sooo close. And we made a million memoroes that I would never trade for the world. 

Then, I think...some people have mothers and will never experience an once of the love that we had. Some people didn't get THaT much time with their special loved one, and here I am belly aching that I miss you and I want more. Shouldn't a million memories be enough? But they aren't. They just aren't. 

It still feels unfair. Too short. And I feel like a rotten person for needing more. Am I selfish? Should I just let you go and be happy with what we had? 

I pretend like I'm through grieving you: I remember the good times in my heart and I don't think about the rest, but it's getting hard. 

Because I still miss you. I still have questions. And I still feel selfish. 

So, am I a woman you would be proud of? 

Am I selfish for wanting more? 

I love you mom!!!!!!!!! More than more than more than more than more times infinity plus....infinity*5,000, ha! Beat that!

Things you loved

Thinking of things you loved, mom. Some things I can't remember. Like, did you have a favorite flower? I'm sure you did, but what was it? Did you have a favorite kind of tree? Or a favorite state you always wanted to visit, but didn't get to? See, some things, I just don't know....

So, here is a list of what I do remember....

Favorite things of MOM

1. Favorite color: Hunter green  & grey 
2. Favorite season: Winter
3. Favorite precipitation: SNOW!!!!
4. Favorite song: Tim Mcgraw please remember me
5. Favorite old school band: Heart
6. Favorite author: V.C. Andrews 
7. Favorite food: steak, probably 
8. Favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip 
9. Favorite clothing item: Red Grumpy T-shirt 
10. Favorite thing to do: Camp with me 

Bar soap

Remember that time aunt wanda was visiting and she washed with the bar soap in the tub a little "too deep" and she was all burny feeling? 

Well mom, I think that soured me on bar soap as a child. Although this morning I believe I rediscovered it...I love bar soap. It's just so...CLEAN. 

This is one of the many many things that roll through my head in a given day, and I want to share them with you. 

I wish you were here. 

I can imagine you laughing at me about this story and thinking, "only my daughter". I can imagine you mailing me a box full of soap bars, just to support my new found showering love. That's just how you were...

A loving supportive mom!

Mothers & Daughters

"it's a strange moment when your child begins to walk and talk exactly the way you do"- Kattrin Davida

People would often stop me on the street, or in the supermarket, and even at school to tell me that I look just like my mom. I've heard them all: "you're a mini Anne", "wow! you're a spitting image of your mother", "holy cow, it looks like your mom just spit you right out", "No denying she's your mom, eh?". And no matter how old I got, I always disliked being told I looked like my mom. 

It's not that she was ugly. Or, I didn't want to be like her, entirely. But, I just wanted to be my own person, have my own style, and not look exactly like my mother. I would always smile kindly at people, but later I would scoff and roll my eyes. 

Now, that I am older, and my mother has passed, I am so thankful that I look just like her. Actually happy. It means that everyday I have a little piece of her with me. 

For years after her death, I was convinced that I was the most terrible person because I hated looking like her as a child. I just knew that I made her so sad by copping an attitude and making her feel like she was not beautiful. But, the truth is, I am proud to be my mother's daughter up and down, inside and out. I am happy that I have absolutely NOTHING from my father, and I'm glad that for years to come, I will be able to sport this "baby face" and be carded in many, many bars far after my peers. 

Moreover, if anyone is going through what I went through, and continue to struggle with, I would just like to let them know....you are NOT alone. 

And, don't sweat the little things, don't spend your time analyzing every little thing that you did with your lost loved one....because in the end, it is far more rewarding to remember all the good times, than it will ever be to harbor such guilt. 

A poem for mom

A poem for my mom 

By:  Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

I  wasn't ready to let you go.

Even though It was just your time. 
I can't get that through my mind.
Because I wasn't ready to let you go.

It wasn't meant to be this way.
I'm so sorry for that dreadful day.
Because It wasn't meant to be this way.

The scene of the bedroom floods through my brain, 
The paramedics just should have came. 

I cry in agony over the pain.

Because it wasn't meant to be this way

I reach out and take you by the hand 
and hold you close as your body goes limp and you slip away 

Because it wasn't meant to be this way 

No I scream, this can not be.

This can not be happening to me. 

Please mom, please please stay

This can not be happening this way

Suddenly in a flash,

The paramedics came in a rush
The sound of my sobs muffle your heart's loss. 

It took a few seconds for your life to end

The paramedics tried but just could not win 

It took a few seconds

 for a life time of pain and sorrow to begin.

Mom, will the tears ever dry?
I ask you this as I wipe my eyes.

You fought so hard, but life took it's toll. 

Time will heal, but I just don't think so

Because I wasn't ready to let you go. 

Lamb chop

I have had my lamb chop stocking for as long as I can remember. I don't think I got it when I was born, but I don't know any different. It is not Christmas without lamb chop 

I remember begging you to let me put my name on it in glitter. You said no, that it ruins stocking. I said yes that I deserved sparkles. You caved and I got to put Jessica Noel in glitter! 

Yesterday, I smelled lamb chop and it smelled like home. Like you. Like joy and love and Christmas cheer. In my mind, I was back in our apartment and the house was bright but warm with cheer, everything was decorated and it was just so wonderful. A sense of true happiness. 

Then I opened my eyes and was instantly transported back to this place without you. 

I hope you are happy. I hope wherever you are, there was Christmas joy. Maybe where you are, it's like Christmas every single day? (Only you wouldn't have to cook. Lol) 

Over the years, I have also come to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas without my purple macaroni ornament. I made it in kindergarten. I remember we spent three days making it. We all choice a cut out shape and wrote our name on it. I was sad that I didn't get to use the siccors. Then I wrote my name on the back, wrong and they wouldn't let me erase and start over. We did get to punch a hole in the top though. Then we got to glue on macaroni. All different shapes. I chose the shapes that we are with velvet a- our fav. The next day, we got to paint it any color and add sparkles. I picked purple, my fs color and added silver sparkles with a bit of rainbow. The paintbrush was huge in my hand. The next day we added a string and took it home. I was so proud and so were you. And from that day on, it has always hung on our tree. 

I miss you and love you and wish you were here to be cheerful and celebrate with me. But don't worry, I did a good job being merry for the both of us! 

All these years, you always put my Christmas happiness above all else, and now it's my turn to keep that love alive...

A poem for you, mom

The other day I was flipping through stuff and found a journal that belonged to you, mom. There were very few poems, and some cute doodles of trees, houses, and clothes.

They were beautiful poems

 My mom always had a way with words, but me not so much. Poems are hard for me. I remember not being able to write them in forth grade; it was quite distressing to me. But, my mother would sit at the table and marvelous words would flow out of her... it was beautiful.




So, I've decided to write a poem for you.

 

If Heaven had a Window

By Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

If heaven had a window, and you granted me a view

I wouldn't waste time searching

I'd only look for you

I'd listen for your laughter

And wait to see your smile

All because I miss

the scent of your shampoo

If Heaven had a window and you granted me a view 

I'd treasure that sweet moment and only be near you 

Here on earth I pray to God to show me signs of you
and every day that passes you're with me in my mind

I wonder if you're happy 

And waiting there for me

I love you and I miss you 

More than words could say 

I hope that you can hear me 

and listen to my thoughts,
and where ever this life takes me you know I've not forgot.
That once upon a time I was blessed and loved its true,
and if heaven had a window 

 I'd only look for you.