Things you loved

Thinking of things you loved, mom. Some things I can't remember. Like, did you have a favorite flower? I'm sure you did, but what was it? Did you have a favorite kind of tree? Or a favorite state you always wanted to visit, but didn't get to? See, some things, I just don't know....

So, here is a list of what I do remember....

Favorite things of MOM

1. Favorite color: Hunter green  & grey 
2. Favorite season: Winter
3. Favorite precipitation: SNOW!!!!
4. Favorite song: Tim Mcgraw please remember me
5. Favorite old school band: Heart
6. Favorite author: V.C. Andrews 
7. Favorite food: steak, probably 
8. Favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip 
9. Favorite clothing item: Red Grumpy T-shirt 
10. Favorite thing to do: Camp with me 

Play me some mountain music- feeling peaceful

There are some songs that take you back. They say that smell is the fastest way to spark a memory because the sense of smell goes straight to the brain. But, for me...there are a few songs that spark such strong memories. And I swear, I feel like I am there again. I can taste, smell, and hear everything again...

This morning, sitting on the sofa, Pandora played one of those songs, and I thought of you mom....

Now, in my house growing up, there was no shortage of country music (with my mom), old rock 'n roll (with my uncle Corey, only he preferred to call it classic), popular stuff (you know, N'sync, Alanins morresette, things they played in the clubs, thanks to Uncle Bucky) and finally, Oldies, but goodies (grandma loved, fly me to the moon, and other things by old blue eyes)..... so since I didn't grow up in a music snob household, I should have lots of SONG memories, right?

Well, there are only three that I can think of.... play me some mountain music, just like grandma and grandpa used to play...

1) Tim Mcgraw, "Don't take the Girl": I am almost 7. We lived in the apartment that had the breakfast bar. I was sitting on the bar stool and the sunshine was gleaming through the window. Aunt wanda was next to me, chatting with my mom who is in the kitchen...all about what is cool about living down in TN. Her voice sounds funny now, she's lived there so long that she has an accent. She played me the cassette tape of don't take the girl, and I was sold. That birthday, I got a boom box and his cassette, and I spent every afternoon doing my homework in my room using the little black walnut end table as my desk and memorizing every song.... I was in love. And when I hear this, I turn back into my 7 year old self, and I miss my Aunt Wanda so much.

2) Frank Sinatra. "Fly me to the moon": Every time I hear this, I can see my grandma standing in the livingroom, by the fishtank singing "fly me to the moon". I can smell her. And hear her voice. It's a nice reminder of her, and I love that. Miss you grandma, but your gallywag will always remember you, and i'll work on writing this book.

3) Alabama. "Mountain Music": The first time I ever remember hearing this song is when I was Indiana. Mom and I decided to ride the Shaffer Queen from the Lake, all the way around. The boys at the top deck were blarring this song, and me and mom sung along. I can see her. I remember the sun on my face. I remember that spaghetti strap shirt, and the sunglasses uncle buck let me barrow, and then that giant pimple I had on my forehead. I remember smelling sunscreen. Mom was beautiful, wearing her striped pink blouse. she looked so happy. We had so much fun. And when I heard this song, I was instantly brought back there...

it was fun to have a couple mins in the sun with you mom. I miss you! Later when I find the pictures from this event, I will post them here :)

Signs of you

Mom, you always believed in "the other side" and "spirits". We used to joke that we would come back and haunt each other. That we would have a list of all the annoying people in our lives and they would be sorry when we were flicking the lights on and off at midnight while they were sleeping. It was all jokes and giggles. 

I took solace in the fact that I knew grandma would visit because we had a strong connection and she "wouldn't just leave us without any goodbye". I remember the night she visited. I was sleeping and it felt like someone was sitting on the edge of my bed. It was her. She looked different. Younger. Her hair was pinned up in puff, super high and there was a light around her. She was skinnier. She was wearing pin strip pants. That was weird. She always wore sweatpants. 

The next morning, I remember coming to you with my concerns: "she was skinny, is she not eating in Heaven? Why wouldn't God feed her?" and "she was dressed fancy, not grandma. Did some other spirit get lost and sit in my room? Maybe YOU Should sleep in there mom, not me?" 

You laughed and cried at me when I told you. You told me that not to worry. IT WAS GRANDMA. But, "when people go to Heaven, they are in a state of perfect health." So, she looked younger and healthier because she was. You said she visited me because you were too sad and upset to get any of her messages, but she knew I was strong enough to get the message to you. I'm glad.

Below is a picture of you. I wonder how old you were. I wonder where on earth you are in this photo. Why didn't I ever ask you? Did you WANT your hair to look like that or was it a mistake? Have you had me already? Were you in high school? Were you not pregnant yet? There are so many things I never asked. I always figured we would have more time I guess. 

Part of me wishes we would have known you were going to die. Maybe if it wasn't so sudden, we could have planned better. I would have been certain that your final wishes were completed. I would have had time to ask all the right questions. I would be able to hold you and hug you and tell you all the things I should have said. Do you think that makes me a bad daughter? I'm glad it was fast and you didn't suffer much. I would never want that. And that is not what I am saying. I guess if I'm aimlessly wishing for a different thing to happen, I should probably be wishing that you never died in the first place. LOL. 

I wonder if this is what your "HEALTHY heaven spirit" would look like? I hope not for fashion's sake, and because I would NEVER be able to recognize  you in heaven.

We used to watch Practical Magic and every time the broom dropped, you used to say, "I promise to leave you signs when I go" and we would laugh. 

Well mom, the broom never fell. 

Last night, I read an article by Silvia Brown, you loved her. She said, our loved ones leave all sorts of signs: (1) they visit in dreams (2) they touch you or sit next to you and you will feel their presence (3) you smell their fragrance (4) you hear their voice (5) Animals will do weird things, like black crows are a big sign (6) they will put objects that have meaning in your path.....there was more, but I forget. 

Once I was dreaming and I thought I felt you. But, I couldn't be sure. I wait to see you in my dreams, but you never really come. Have you forgotten about me? 

None of these signs have really happen to me. And I thought our bond would conquer everything. That we had a connection better than any other mother/daughter pair. So where the heck are you mom???????? Put down the sufflebaord, or the drinks. or whatever you are doing up there. Step away from grandma and Kelly and get down here and visit your daughter!!!!! STAT. 

My current biggest fear is that I will forget you. That I AM forgetting stuff right now. What if I can't tell my kids? What if I don't have kids and your legacyc dies with me? that's so sad. Why couldn't you have kept a diary or wrote me letters, why couldn't we just have more time? 

I will make sure I pay attention to the signs. I'll be waiting mom. I love you and miss you. 

Night will come

When I was little (well 5th grade), we had to learn a lullaby from another culture. Now, I forget what culture I chose, but it was a song I learned in chorus, so I used that one.

You loved it! And sometimes when I couldn't fall asleep, or I had a bad dream, we would sing it. 

You used to leave messages on the house phone for me with it. When I went away to camp for the first time, you told me to, " look up at the moon and say I love you, mom" and at that exact time, she would do the same, and since we were looking at the same moon, she would feel my love and I would feel hers. 

That camping trip, I used the voice recorder you bought me for my history project and sang the lullabye to you. I think you appreciated that...

So, today, this is for you, mom!!!!!

Soon night will come 

Following the sun 

Sounds of the night growing near

Here the winds whispering 

Whispering to you

Sleep sleep sleep 

Goodnight my sweet one 

Goodnight my dear one 

Good night my sweet one

To you, good night! 

Mommy & Jessie First Photo