Things you loved

Thinking of things you loved, mom. Some things I can't remember. Like, did you have a favorite flower? I'm sure you did, but what was it? Did you have a favorite kind of tree? Or a favorite state you always wanted to visit, but didn't get to? See, some things, I just don't know....

So, here is a list of what I do remember....

Favorite things of MOM

1. Favorite color: Hunter green  & grey 
2. Favorite season: Winter
3. Favorite precipitation: SNOW!!!!
4. Favorite song: Tim Mcgraw please remember me
5. Favorite old school band: Heart
6. Favorite author: V.C. Andrews 
7. Favorite food: steak, probably 
8. Favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip 
9. Favorite clothing item: Red Grumpy T-shirt 
10. Favorite thing to do: Camp with me 

Bar soap

Remember that time aunt wanda was visiting and she washed with the bar soap in the tub a little "too deep" and she was all burny feeling? 

Well mom, I think that soured me on bar soap as a child. Although this morning I believe I rediscovered it...I love bar soap. It's just so...CLEAN. 

This is one of the many many things that roll through my head in a given day, and I want to share them with you. 

I wish you were here. 

I can imagine you laughing at me about this story and thinking, "only my daughter". I can imagine you mailing me a box full of soap bars, just to support my new found showering love. That's just how you were...

A loving supportive mom!

A poem for mom

A poem for my mom 

By:  Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

I  wasn't ready to let you go.

Even though It was just your time. 
I can't get that through my mind.
Because I wasn't ready to let you go.

It wasn't meant to be this way.
I'm so sorry for that dreadful day.
Because It wasn't meant to be this way.

The scene of the bedroom floods through my brain, 
The paramedics just should have came. 

I cry in agony over the pain.

Because it wasn't meant to be this way

I reach out and take you by the hand 
and hold you close as your body goes limp and you slip away 

Because it wasn't meant to be this way 

No I scream, this can not be.

This can not be happening to me. 

Please mom, please please stay

This can not be happening this way

Suddenly in a flash,

The paramedics came in a rush
The sound of my sobs muffle your heart's loss. 

It took a few seconds for your life to end

The paramedics tried but just could not win 

It took a few seconds

 for a life time of pain and sorrow to begin.

Mom, will the tears ever dry?
I ask you this as I wipe my eyes.

You fought so hard, but life took it's toll. 

Time will heal, but I just don't think so

Because I wasn't ready to let you go. 

Lamb chop

I have had my lamb chop stocking for as long as I can remember. I don't think I got it when I was born, but I don't know any different. It is not Christmas without lamb chop 

I remember begging you to let me put my name on it in glitter. You said no, that it ruins stocking. I said yes that I deserved sparkles. You caved and I got to put Jessica Noel in glitter! 

Yesterday, I smelled lamb chop and it smelled like home. Like you. Like joy and love and Christmas cheer. In my mind, I was back in our apartment and the house was bright but warm with cheer, everything was decorated and it was just so wonderful. A sense of true happiness. 

Then I opened my eyes and was instantly transported back to this place without you. 

I hope you are happy. I hope wherever you are, there was Christmas joy. Maybe where you are, it's like Christmas every single day? (Only you wouldn't have to cook. Lol) 

Over the years, I have also come to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas without my purple macaroni ornament. I made it in kindergarten. I remember we spent three days making it. We all choice a cut out shape and wrote our name on it. I was sad that I didn't get to use the siccors. Then I wrote my name on the back, wrong and they wouldn't let me erase and start over. We did get to punch a hole in the top though. Then we got to glue on macaroni. All different shapes. I chose the shapes that we are with velvet a- our fav. The next day, we got to paint it any color and add sparkles. I picked purple, my fs color and added silver sparkles with a bit of rainbow. The paintbrush was huge in my hand. The next day we added a string and took it home. I was so proud and so were you. And from that day on, it has always hung on our tree. 

I miss you and love you and wish you were here to be cheerful and celebrate with me. But don't worry, I did a good job being merry for the both of us! 

All these years, you always put my Christmas happiness above all else, and now it's my turn to keep that love alive...

Snow :)

" Heaven is at the feet of Mothers" -Persian Proverb

Pictures of Kokomo, Indiana where great grandma Kerby lived 

Mom and I sure loved snow. It doesn't snow very often in Baltimore, but when it did, we enjoyed the magic of it. The smell of snow in the air always made you happy mom...and it made me happy too :) 

Here is a picture of the snow at my house in Erie, PA today! 

As I sit here and watch the gentle snowflakes fall, I will think of you mom. Maybe it's a sign from heaven that you are thinking of me too. 

Lalalalala lala lala means.... I love you! I love u mom

It can't happen to me

One minute you're going about life; making plans for the future. And the next minute you are blindsided and you're whole world crumbles, like a cheap cookie in milk. 

I never imagined it would happen to me. You see bad things happen on the news, you see it on TV and you think, "what did those people do wrong that it's happening to them?" You never in your wildest dream think it will happen to you. You think, " not my family, not me". Your denial or Ignorance is your security blanket that you hold tight. 

That night, THE night,  my worst nightmere came true. And it happened to me. 

I miss you so much mom and I'm not mad that you left me anymore. I'm glad that you taught me well, sacrificed everything to give me the amazing like we had together. I'm glad I had you-even if out time was cut short. I love you always always

I used to say, "I'd give anything to just go to medical school and be a doctor". Now I wish I never had said that. Because i would much rather give up being a doctor to be with you again. So...I'm just gonna let life happen. What happens, happens. But I won't be that blind kid anymore. It could happen to me. It did happen to me. Could it hAppen to you? 

Happy birthday!

Last week was your birthday. 

I wanted to do something to celebrate your life. But I couldn't figure it out. 

I wanted to go to NY and do all the things You used to talk about. do all the things grandma did with u. I wanted to go to serendipidity's and share mammoth icecream sundaes. I wanted to go to the MET and see starry night. I wanted to be happy, but most of all, I wanted to do anything WITH you :( 

I love you always always and forever and ever. I love you MORE the mostest to infinity and back (I win!)

Has it really been ten years?

Yesterday, was my grams' birthday. And I remembered, all those years I spent at the table hand drawing the perfect flower to put on my grandma's birthday card. Or, me and little Corey raiding the closet for gadgets, scraps of fabric, anything we could use to make the newest birthday creation. Our imagination was limitless...and I think that was because our love was limitless. We LOVED grandma, mom, and our whole family sooooo much, that the best way we could exemplify that would be to create something cool for that person. 

I can't believe it has been 10 years since I've created something for you grandma! 

Memory #1: I remember cleaning out the bottom of the cabinet and finding a little wardrobe made out of brown paint, cardboard, and beads. The doors were hot glued on and , it opened to reveal a red interior with little golden swirls and dots to look Asian (my grams' loved Asian stuff and would scour the thrift stores to fill our apt with Asian crap) and it had school pictures of  little Corey, Cody and myself. With the inscription "we love you grandma" 

I can't believe it's been ten years. Thank you for always making my birthdays great grandma! I think today, I shall make this painting in your memory, cus afterall, it was your birthday yesterday. So, this is for you grandma :) love your Gallywag

Whole new world

It feels like a whole new world.

I don't like it.

I want the old world back.

I want comfortable safe back.

I want happy love back.

I want you back.

My bed...

A few nights ago, I fell asleep and I
Instantly felt like I was laying in my bed... My real bed. With the AC blowing on me. And my room. I really miss my room. My house. My life. Most of all I miss you...

My dream felt so real. My bed felt so comfy. I felt so safe. The sheets were crisp and smelled like home. I don't know what that smell was... Maybe laundry detergant, maybe the scent of home is just you or maybe just crockpot smell!

I heard your voice...in your room calling me. I heard you open my bedroom door, the all too familiar creek, I heard your wonderful voice I miss so much. It all felt so real.

So REAL!

So now I have been trying to go to sleep... To come back to you, to be comfortable... But no matter how sleepy I am or how hard I try, I just can't get back to you...

It makes me so sad, but I can't just sleep my life away...

Silly Bands...

Silly Bands, you've missed Silly Band...

A few weeks ago, Jess' little cousin gave me one of her silly bands, its lime green and in the shape of a cowboy boot, it doesn't really fit the right way, but she gave it to me, so it's special...

We went to Walmart and bought a bunch to give out to the Kids at Fly-up...you missed it. You weren't there to see all these little girls who I have an impact on, who come learn with me every monday, who come ask me their odd questions and expect answers, you missed it.

You weren't there to hear me rant about finals, you weren't there for grades to be posted. you missed it.

You weren't there

"The Before"......and "The After"

7 months and 8 days ago, my life changed forever...

Its not like I ever saw it coming, it came without warning like some nightmare, some lesson I had to learn, some bad dream I will wake up from and have a whole new perspective on life, you see it in movies everyday...on T.V, except I never woke up, it wasn't a cruel joke, it wasn't a dream...It hit me like a ton of bricks, so fast. So unfair.

you see it on the News, but never really stop to think about how it could happen to you, not your loved ones...I saw it happen everyday in the ER, I know it happens, Why didn't I just see it coming? Why wasn't I prepared?

I don't have the any answers at all.

I have been walking around this world for 7 months without a mom. I have never been without her for more than a week...

I feel like my world is divided...there was "the before": before she died, before I understood, before my life was different

And "the after": the now, the world I want to escape from...

Before: it was calm, my world wasn't shaken, I was safe. I was just some junior in college, complaining about exams, complaining about volunteering, being too busy for my own good, never really stopping to care. But, I was safe. I was so safe. Mom bought me food, she did my laundry, she paid my rent, she bought me some clothes, she did it all for me, she was my safety net....

After:Its like a tornado in my world. And everything and everyone I ever loved could be picked up and spun off to some far away land with Auntie em and I would never see them again, ALL ALONE! So alone that I don't know what to do...responsible for me. for my own money, for my own life. I feel like every single decision that I ever make is wrong. I feel like my everything is gone....my life vanished before my eyes,

I didn't even realize my mom was the key to my entire life. But she was. She was the one who gave me life, and hers was taken so quickly...

So, how does a person deal with the AFTER?

NOW WHAT?

Always Always Remembered, Never Never forgotten

Mom used to say its not fair to use the words ALWAYS and NEVER because they were such strong words, which is very true the more I think about it. If someone says "eww! I hate Broccoli, I never eat it...", well that's a strong opinion, and you are lying because you obviously ate it once to know you didn't like it, so never is not a goof vocabulary choice. Neither is Always.

But mom taught me there is a loop hole in this thought. Its okay to say Always or Never, as long as you say them TWICE. If you mean it enough to say it two times, then its okay to use.....

And so, As of today, I am officially ready to rename my blog ALWAYS ALWAYS remembered and NEVER NEVER forgotten, just for you mom!

Its been 7 months and 7 days since my mom died, and I guess I'm finally ready to talk about it.

I am terrified that I will forget. That I will forget what she looked like, what she smelled like, her voice, but more importantly, what she taught me. I want to write down every important memory I can remember....that way she is always with me.

Plus, when I get old, I can look back on this and remember, even if its arduous.

So, this is what this blog is for from now on...