Bar soap

Remember that time aunt wanda was visiting and she washed with the bar soap in the tub a little "too deep" and she was all burny feeling? 

Well mom, I think that soured me on bar soap as a child. Although this morning I believe I rediscovered it...I love bar soap. It's just so...CLEAN. 

This is one of the many many things that roll through my head in a given day, and I want to share them with you. 

I wish you were here. 

I can imagine you laughing at me about this story and thinking, "only my daughter". I can imagine you mailing me a box full of soap bars, just to support my new found showering love. That's just how you were...

A loving supportive mom!

Mothers & Daughters

"it's a strange moment when your child begins to walk and talk exactly the way you do"- Kattrin Davida

People would often stop me on the street, or in the supermarket, and even at school to tell me that I look just like my mom. I've heard them all: "you're a mini Anne", "wow! you're a spitting image of your mother", "holy cow, it looks like your mom just spit you right out", "No denying she's your mom, eh?". And no matter how old I got, I always disliked being told I looked like my mom. 

It's not that she was ugly. Or, I didn't want to be like her, entirely. But, I just wanted to be my own person, have my own style, and not look exactly like my mother. I would always smile kindly at people, but later I would scoff and roll my eyes. 

Now, that I am older, and my mother has passed, I am so thankful that I look just like her. Actually happy. It means that everyday I have a little piece of her with me. 

For years after her death, I was convinced that I was the most terrible person because I hated looking like her as a child. I just knew that I made her so sad by copping an attitude and making her feel like she was not beautiful. But, the truth is, I am proud to be my mother's daughter up and down, inside and out. I am happy that I have absolutely NOTHING from my father, and I'm glad that for years to come, I will be able to sport this "baby face" and be carded in many, many bars far after my peers. 

Moreover, if anyone is going through what I went through, and continue to struggle with, I would just like to let them know....you are NOT alone. 

And, don't sweat the little things, don't spend your time analyzing every little thing that you did with your lost loved one....because in the end, it is far more rewarding to remember all the good times, than it will ever be to harbor such guilt. 

A poem for mom

A poem for my mom 

By:  Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

I  wasn't ready to let you go.

Even though It was just your time. 
I can't get that through my mind.
Because I wasn't ready to let you go.

It wasn't meant to be this way.
I'm so sorry for that dreadful day.
Because It wasn't meant to be this way.

The scene of the bedroom floods through my brain, 
The paramedics just should have came. 

I cry in agony over the pain.

Because it wasn't meant to be this way

I reach out and take you by the hand 
and hold you close as your body goes limp and you slip away 

Because it wasn't meant to be this way 

No I scream, this can not be.

This can not be happening to me. 

Please mom, please please stay

This can not be happening this way

Suddenly in a flash,

The paramedics came in a rush
The sound of my sobs muffle your heart's loss. 

It took a few seconds for your life to end

The paramedics tried but just could not win 

It took a few seconds

 for a life time of pain and sorrow to begin.

Mom, will the tears ever dry?
I ask you this as I wipe my eyes.

You fought so hard, but life took it's toll. 

Time will heal, but I just don't think so

Because I wasn't ready to let you go. 

Lamb chop

I have had my lamb chop stocking for as long as I can remember. I don't think I got it when I was born, but I don't know any different. It is not Christmas without lamb chop 

I remember begging you to let me put my name on it in glitter. You said no, that it ruins stocking. I said yes that I deserved sparkles. You caved and I got to put Jessica Noel in glitter! 

Yesterday, I smelled lamb chop and it smelled like home. Like you. Like joy and love and Christmas cheer. In my mind, I was back in our apartment and the house was bright but warm with cheer, everything was decorated and it was just so wonderful. A sense of true happiness. 

Then I opened my eyes and was instantly transported back to this place without you. 

I hope you are happy. I hope wherever you are, there was Christmas joy. Maybe where you are, it's like Christmas every single day? (Only you wouldn't have to cook. Lol) 

Over the years, I have also come to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas without my purple macaroni ornament. I made it in kindergarten. I remember we spent three days making it. We all choice a cut out shape and wrote our name on it. I was sad that I didn't get to use the siccors. Then I wrote my name on the back, wrong and they wouldn't let me erase and start over. We did get to punch a hole in the top though. Then we got to glue on macaroni. All different shapes. I chose the shapes that we are with velvet a- our fav. The next day, we got to paint it any color and add sparkles. I picked purple, my fs color and added silver sparkles with a bit of rainbow. The paintbrush was huge in my hand. The next day we added a string and took it home. I was so proud and so were you. And from that day on, it has always hung on our tree. 

I miss you and love you and wish you were here to be cheerful and celebrate with me. But don't worry, I did a good job being merry for the both of us! 

All these years, you always put my Christmas happiness above all else, and now it's my turn to keep that love alive...

A poem for you, mom

The other day I was flipping through stuff and found a journal that belonged to you, mom. There were very few poems, and some cute doodles of trees, houses, and clothes.

They were beautiful poems

 My mom always had a way with words, but me not so much. Poems are hard for me. I remember not being able to write them in forth grade; it was quite distressing to me. But, my mother would sit at the table and marvelous words would flow out of her... it was beautiful.




So, I've decided to write a poem for you.

 

If Heaven had a Window

By Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

If heaven had a window, and you granted me a view

I wouldn't waste time searching

I'd only look for you

I'd listen for your laughter

And wait to see your smile

All because I miss

the scent of your shampoo

If Heaven had a window and you granted me a view 

I'd treasure that sweet moment and only be near you 

Here on earth I pray to God to show me signs of you
and every day that passes you're with me in my mind

I wonder if you're happy 

And waiting there for me

I love you and I miss you 

More than words could say 

I hope that you can hear me 

and listen to my thoughts,
and where ever this life takes me you know I've not forgot.
That once upon a time I was blessed and loved its true,
and if heaven had a window 

 I'd only look for you.

Play me some mountain music- feeling peaceful

There are some songs that take you back. They say that smell is the fastest way to spark a memory because the sense of smell goes straight to the brain. But, for me...there are a few songs that spark such strong memories. And I swear, I feel like I am there again. I can taste, smell, and hear everything again...

This morning, sitting on the sofa, Pandora played one of those songs, and I thought of you mom....

Now, in my house growing up, there was no shortage of country music (with my mom), old rock 'n roll (with my uncle Corey, only he preferred to call it classic), popular stuff (you know, N'sync, Alanins morresette, things they played in the clubs, thanks to Uncle Bucky) and finally, Oldies, but goodies (grandma loved, fly me to the moon, and other things by old blue eyes)..... so since I didn't grow up in a music snob household, I should have lots of SONG memories, right?

Well, there are only three that I can think of.... play me some mountain music, just like grandma and grandpa used to play...

1) Tim Mcgraw, "Don't take the Girl": I am almost 7. We lived in the apartment that had the breakfast bar. I was sitting on the bar stool and the sunshine was gleaming through the window. Aunt wanda was next to me, chatting with my mom who is in the kitchen...all about what is cool about living down in TN. Her voice sounds funny now, she's lived there so long that she has an accent. She played me the cassette tape of don't take the girl, and I was sold. That birthday, I got a boom box and his cassette, and I spent every afternoon doing my homework in my room using the little black walnut end table as my desk and memorizing every song.... I was in love. And when I hear this, I turn back into my 7 year old self, and I miss my Aunt Wanda so much.

2) Frank Sinatra. "Fly me to the moon": Every time I hear this, I can see my grandma standing in the livingroom, by the fishtank singing "fly me to the moon". I can smell her. And hear her voice. It's a nice reminder of her, and I love that. Miss you grandma, but your gallywag will always remember you, and i'll work on writing this book.

3) Alabama. "Mountain Music": The first time I ever remember hearing this song is when I was Indiana. Mom and I decided to ride the Shaffer Queen from the Lake, all the way around. The boys at the top deck were blarring this song, and me and mom sung along. I can see her. I remember the sun on my face. I remember that spaghetti strap shirt, and the sunglasses uncle buck let me barrow, and then that giant pimple I had on my forehead. I remember smelling sunscreen. Mom was beautiful, wearing her striped pink blouse. she looked so happy. We had so much fun. And when I heard this song, I was instantly brought back there...

it was fun to have a couple mins in the sun with you mom. I miss you! Later when I find the pictures from this event, I will post them here :)

Signs of you

Mom, you always believed in "the other side" and "spirits". We used to joke that we would come back and haunt each other. That we would have a list of all the annoying people in our lives and they would be sorry when we were flicking the lights on and off at midnight while they were sleeping. It was all jokes and giggles. 

I took solace in the fact that I knew grandma would visit because we had a strong connection and she "wouldn't just leave us without any goodbye". I remember the night she visited. I was sleeping and it felt like someone was sitting on the edge of my bed. It was her. She looked different. Younger. Her hair was pinned up in puff, super high and there was a light around her. She was skinnier. She was wearing pin strip pants. That was weird. She always wore sweatpants. 

The next morning, I remember coming to you with my concerns: "she was skinny, is she not eating in Heaven? Why wouldn't God feed her?" and "she was dressed fancy, not grandma. Did some other spirit get lost and sit in my room? Maybe YOU Should sleep in there mom, not me?" 

You laughed and cried at me when I told you. You told me that not to worry. IT WAS GRANDMA. But, "when people go to Heaven, they are in a state of perfect health." So, she looked younger and healthier because she was. You said she visited me because you were too sad and upset to get any of her messages, but she knew I was strong enough to get the message to you. I'm glad.

Below is a picture of you. I wonder how old you were. I wonder where on earth you are in this photo. Why didn't I ever ask you? Did you WANT your hair to look like that or was it a mistake? Have you had me already? Were you in high school? Were you not pregnant yet? There are so many things I never asked. I always figured we would have more time I guess. 

Part of me wishes we would have known you were going to die. Maybe if it wasn't so sudden, we could have planned better. I would have been certain that your final wishes were completed. I would have had time to ask all the right questions. I would be able to hold you and hug you and tell you all the things I should have said. Do you think that makes me a bad daughter? I'm glad it was fast and you didn't suffer much. I would never want that. And that is not what I am saying. I guess if I'm aimlessly wishing for a different thing to happen, I should probably be wishing that you never died in the first place. LOL. 

I wonder if this is what your "HEALTHY heaven spirit" would look like? I hope not for fashion's sake, and because I would NEVER be able to recognize  you in heaven.

We used to watch Practical Magic and every time the broom dropped, you used to say, "I promise to leave you signs when I go" and we would laugh. 

Well mom, the broom never fell. 

Last night, I read an article by Silvia Brown, you loved her. She said, our loved ones leave all sorts of signs: (1) they visit in dreams (2) they touch you or sit next to you and you will feel their presence (3) you smell their fragrance (4) you hear their voice (5) Animals will do weird things, like black crows are a big sign (6) they will put objects that have meaning in your path.....there was more, but I forget. 

Once I was dreaming and I thought I felt you. But, I couldn't be sure. I wait to see you in my dreams, but you never really come. Have you forgotten about me? 

None of these signs have really happen to me. And I thought our bond would conquer everything. That we had a connection better than any other mother/daughter pair. So where the heck are you mom???????? Put down the sufflebaord, or the drinks. or whatever you are doing up there. Step away from grandma and Kelly and get down here and visit your daughter!!!!! STAT. 

My current biggest fear is that I will forget you. That I AM forgetting stuff right now. What if I can't tell my kids? What if I don't have kids and your legacyc dies with me? that's so sad. Why couldn't you have kept a diary or wrote me letters, why couldn't we just have more time? 

I will make sure I pay attention to the signs. I'll be waiting mom. I love you and miss you.