I have returned

 Dear Mom, 

I’ve been putting this off for a few years now…writing to you. I say I’m fine but you know me better than that. Dark thoughts toss around in my head. I am troubled by this. Things I want to tell you. Things I wish I got to experience with you. Just together. This 2023 I’m going to write to you. As much as I can. Just to say hello. Just to give u a brain dump. But to share as much as I can. To get it out of my head. 

I’m crying as I write this post. It’s been too long  

But I have returned, mom. I love you  I miss you  

“It’s tradegty & it will only bring you down.  Now I dont know what to be without you around. You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand.” 

Love, 

Jessie 

The caring place

Hey mom,

It's been a while, hasn't it? I still miss you everyday and I spend a lot of time remembering the good times. I think you would be really proud of me, I'm using my grief experience (losing you) to help other children in similar situations!!!!!

I have been volunteering at highmark caring place for almost a year now. I'm a lead facilitator in the young group, which is children ages 6-8 or maybe 9 depending on developmental stages. These kids have all lost a loved one, maybe a mom or a dad; a grandparent or a sibling. It's so sad to look in the eyes of an 8-year-old girl and commiserate with how much she misses her mom.

Sometimes I'm thankful....

That I got to have so much time with you, mom. Because we made such great memories and taught me lifelong lessons. YOU made me who I am today. You're influence, lessons, discipline, love, guidance and respect for me has made me this great human being.

That makes me sad also: 1) you can't see what an awesome job you did. And I do work so hard to make sure I'm still making my mommy proud (and hopefully you see that from heaven)
2) the kids that I work with aren't going to remember their loved ones as much as I can.

In my last group, I had a little girl who lost her dad. To a heart attack. And she asked me, has anyone you ever loved died? We are trained to answer this very carefully. However, all my training went out the window as my heart was tugged on. And I blurted out, yes! My mom died to a heart attack too! And this little girl got so excited, not that you died, but that someone got it. Someone understood her feelings and was still a great member of society. Her dad wanted her to become anything she wanted, just the way you always encouraged me!

Mommy, even though at times I acted like an awful spoiled brat, I want you to know that you did an amazing job and I'm a GREAT woman because of you!

Until we meet again,

Jessie xoxo

thinking of you

 It's finally snowing out mom! Anytime at all when it snows, I think of you and then I start to miss you. So, here I am writing to you.

I know you would LOVE the snow up here. You would be outside all excited. Maybe taking a walk with me in the snow or sitting in the office chairs looking out at the great view. We would make hot chocolate and you would put on something really yummy to cook and the smell would fill the whole house, maybe pot roast? mmmm.

So, today I'm gonna try to keep your winter joy alive. I'm gonna clean the house, cook something and watch the snow fall while wrapping Christmas gift.

But, the whole time, I will have a heavy heart...wishing you were here with me.

Today is for you mom!

Wish you were here ;)

I'm doing good. Or so I thought....

I spent days looking through old photos and even scrapbooked some (which makes me feel awesomely connected to my family, even though you are all mostly gone) 

I have been running around the house like a crazy person; cleaning, organizing and making what I have stretch and look pretty, just like you taught me mom....

So, I took everything out of the closet to reorganize it, something we never did. Lol. Til it was Christmas and we had to find all the burried decorations. 

And some photos of you fell on top of my head!!! And it LITERALLY hit me....

I really wish you were here, mom.

These are the most recent pictures I have of you. They were taken in April of 2009, and you died in November.

This is one of my favorite photos of you because you look soooo happy, mommy. 

I hope you are happy wherever you. 

I don't know the story behind this photo because I wasn't there. But I would like to caption it anyways: 

An ordinary day at work. It's lunchtime and Kelly brought you lunch and then snapped a few candids of you trying to hide ( silly mom, you were beautiful) and playing around with skylar. I bet it was a slow day, but good. And you came home to me. And I realllly hope that I reminded you just how much I loved you and needed you. And we had yummy dinner together. 

Wish you were here mommy. 

 

Beach blues

As I lay here in the sand and I listen to the  people chatting and the waves coming in, I just can't believe the last time I wrote to you was over a month ago. 

It feels like an eternity to me. An eon. Forever.... 

I'd like to tell you that I haven't chatted with you because I've been extra busy with school and volunteering, which I have been doing...but that's not the truth, at least not the whole truth. 

The truth is that I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts. And I have been running from the pain. 

But, I'm back. 

Today I woke up and played with the guinea pigs (best, cutest pet ever! Why did we never have any?) then Lauren and I went to walk around the presque isle days! I saw this cute necklace I would get you, it was beach glass, then I saw a wreath we would love!!! 

There are a million things I wish I could call and tell you. I miss your voice. I feel like I might know what you would say to me, but I don't know for sure. 

I feel like there are things about you I am forgetting. Like what were your thoughts on GMOs in food? Did I ever know? 

I feel like we had a great relationship and talked about everything under the stars. You were my first best friend, and still were til the day you died.

Why am I forgetting? Why didn't I listen more? Better. Longer? 

There is so much I don't know or don't remember. 

Nevertheless I love you tons and lots! 

I think you would have loved the beach today. It was terrific. Not too hot, but warm enough to swim, and perfect weather to smile big and remember YOU!!!!

Am I the woman you wanted be to grow into?

Mom, there is just so much you are missing in my life. How am I supposed to know if I'm making the right choices? You are the person who always led me in the right direction. How do I know if I'm becoming a good woman? You were always there to guide me and remind me of the important things: family comes first, give back always, don't forget where you came from...etc. I know you trained me well. But this is really hard. 

It's really hard to move forward in my life without you. I never imagined that I would have to do it all without you. 

I wasn't done learning yet mom. Why did you have to go? 

Well, I'm still doing scouts. This picture is from a recent encampment where I dressed up as a knome. It's important to share you gifts with the world (I'm great with children, you would say) and give back, so I still am. 

This is my upstairs neighbor kid. He is my little buddy. Sometimes, I watch him while his mom is at work, cus helping people out is a good thing. Paying it forward kinda. If there weren't some really good people in the world who helped our family out way back when, things would have been a lot different, you used to say. 

Still besties with my Jessjess. I love her to death. I wasn't always good at making friends, so when I connected with her, you told me to always be a best friend. Those are hard to come by you would say. Anytime we would argue, you would bust in the room and say, just make up already...you're best friends and life is short. I think we do make up pretty dad t these days, mom. So thanks! 

This is me volunteering to help make meals for the Erie coilition!!!! Always a happy helper! 

This is Lauren. Sorry if you don't regconize her, she has changed into a completely different woman than that little kid we used to know. She is...well I'm sure you know, but I'm not sure what to do, you aren't here to guide me on this one...hmmm. 

I'm trying to get out there and have fun experiences. You were preaching YOLO years before they started putting on every piece of clothing. This is from the hard rock in Ohio. You would have loved it 

This is also from cleavland ohio. Fun times! I actually leaned on this guitar about five mins before this pic and the whole thing fell over!?!? Only my daughter you would say. Lol

So, am I the woman you thought I would become? Am i doing a good job? 

This is something special Lauren and I did for you mom...I wrote you a letter, remember???

And we tied it to balloons. 

That we wrote our happy memories on. Man, we had so many, I thought I might need a million balloons. Remember the snap jar? Doing our nails? Opening all the windows to smell the snow? 

Then we let go of them... And sent the letter up to you in heaven. It was a great way to remember all the fun times we had. And a great way to remind me of how much I love you, as if Id ever forget. 

Sometimes I worry that I am selfish. I feel guilty. In the short time you were here with me, we had such a great,close, good relationship. We barely ever argued. And if we did, we always resolved it. But in that time, we learned a lot. We were sooo close. And we made a million memoroes that I would never trade for the world. 

Then, I think...some people have mothers and will never experience an once of the love that we had. Some people didn't get THaT much time with their special loved one, and here I am belly aching that I miss you and I want more. Shouldn't a million memories be enough? But they aren't. They just aren't. 

It still feels unfair. Too short. And I feel like a rotten person for needing more. Am I selfish? Should I just let you go and be happy with what we had? 

I pretend like I'm through grieving you: I remember the good times in my heart and I don't think about the rest, but it's getting hard. 

Because I still miss you. I still have questions. And I still feel selfish. 

So, am I a woman you would be proud of? 

Am I selfish for wanting more? 

I love you mom!!!!!!!!! More than more than more than more than more times infinity plus....infinity*5,000, ha! Beat that!

Things you loved

Thinking of things you loved, mom. Some things I can't remember. Like, did you have a favorite flower? I'm sure you did, but what was it? Did you have a favorite kind of tree? Or a favorite state you always wanted to visit, but didn't get to? See, some things, I just don't know....

So, here is a list of what I do remember....

Favorite things of MOM

1. Favorite color: Hunter green  & grey 
2. Favorite season: Winter
3. Favorite precipitation: SNOW!!!!
4. Favorite song: Tim Mcgraw please remember me
5. Favorite old school band: Heart
6. Favorite author: V.C. Andrews 
7. Favorite food: steak, probably 
8. Favorite ice cream flavor: Mint Chocolate Chip 
9. Favorite clothing item: Red Grumpy T-shirt 
10. Favorite thing to do: Camp with me 

Bar soap

Remember that time aunt wanda was visiting and she washed with the bar soap in the tub a little "too deep" and she was all burny feeling? 

Well mom, I think that soured me on bar soap as a child. Although this morning I believe I rediscovered it...I love bar soap. It's just so...CLEAN. 

This is one of the many many things that roll through my head in a given day, and I want to share them with you. 

I wish you were here. 

I can imagine you laughing at me about this story and thinking, "only my daughter". I can imagine you mailing me a box full of soap bars, just to support my new found showering love. That's just how you were...

A loving supportive mom!

Mothers & Daughters

"it's a strange moment when your child begins to walk and talk exactly the way you do"- Kattrin Davida

People would often stop me on the street, or in the supermarket, and even at school to tell me that I look just like my mom. I've heard them all: "you're a mini Anne", "wow! you're a spitting image of your mother", "holy cow, it looks like your mom just spit you right out", "No denying she's your mom, eh?". And no matter how old I got, I always disliked being told I looked like my mom. 

It's not that she was ugly. Or, I didn't want to be like her, entirely. But, I just wanted to be my own person, have my own style, and not look exactly like my mother. I would always smile kindly at people, but later I would scoff and roll my eyes. 

Now, that I am older, and my mother has passed, I am so thankful that I look just like her. Actually happy. It means that everyday I have a little piece of her with me. 

For years after her death, I was convinced that I was the most terrible person because I hated looking like her as a child. I just knew that I made her so sad by copping an attitude and making her feel like she was not beautiful. But, the truth is, I am proud to be my mother's daughter up and down, inside and out. I am happy that I have absolutely NOTHING from my father, and I'm glad that for years to come, I will be able to sport this "baby face" and be carded in many, many bars far after my peers. 

Moreover, if anyone is going through what I went through, and continue to struggle with, I would just like to let them know....you are NOT alone. 

And, don't sweat the little things, don't spend your time analyzing every little thing that you did with your lost loved one....because in the end, it is far more rewarding to remember all the good times, than it will ever be to harbor such guilt. 

A poem for mom

A poem for my mom 

By:  Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

I  wasn't ready to let you go.

Even though It was just your time. 
I can't get that through my mind.
Because I wasn't ready to let you go.

It wasn't meant to be this way.
I'm so sorry for that dreadful day.
Because It wasn't meant to be this way.

The scene of the bedroom floods through my brain, 
The paramedics just should have came. 

I cry in agony over the pain.

Because it wasn't meant to be this way

I reach out and take you by the hand 
and hold you close as your body goes limp and you slip away 

Because it wasn't meant to be this way 

No I scream, this can not be.

This can not be happening to me. 

Please mom, please please stay

This can not be happening this way

Suddenly in a flash,

The paramedics came in a rush
The sound of my sobs muffle your heart's loss. 

It took a few seconds for your life to end

The paramedics tried but just could not win 

It took a few seconds

 for a life time of pain and sorrow to begin.

Mom, will the tears ever dry?
I ask you this as I wipe my eyes.

You fought so hard, but life took it's toll. 

Time will heal, but I just don't think so

Because I wasn't ready to let you go. 

Lamb chop

I have had my lamb chop stocking for as long as I can remember. I don't think I got it when I was born, but I don't know any different. It is not Christmas without lamb chop 

I remember begging you to let me put my name on it in glitter. You said no, that it ruins stocking. I said yes that I deserved sparkles. You caved and I got to put Jessica Noel in glitter! 

Yesterday, I smelled lamb chop and it smelled like home. Like you. Like joy and love and Christmas cheer. In my mind, I was back in our apartment and the house was bright but warm with cheer, everything was decorated and it was just so wonderful. A sense of true happiness. 

Then I opened my eyes and was instantly transported back to this place without you. 

I hope you are happy. I hope wherever you are, there was Christmas joy. Maybe where you are, it's like Christmas every single day? (Only you wouldn't have to cook. Lol) 

Over the years, I have also come to know that it doesn't feel like Christmas without my purple macaroni ornament. I made it in kindergarten. I remember we spent three days making it. We all choice a cut out shape and wrote our name on it. I was sad that I didn't get to use the siccors. Then I wrote my name on the back, wrong and they wouldn't let me erase and start over. We did get to punch a hole in the top though. Then we got to glue on macaroni. All different shapes. I chose the shapes that we are with velvet a- our fav. The next day, we got to paint it any color and add sparkles. I picked purple, my fs color and added silver sparkles with a bit of rainbow. The paintbrush was huge in my hand. The next day we added a string and took it home. I was so proud and so were you. And from that day on, it has always hung on our tree. 

I miss you and love you and wish you were here to be cheerful and celebrate with me. But don't worry, I did a good job being merry for the both of us! 

All these years, you always put my Christmas happiness above all else, and now it's my turn to keep that love alive...

A poem for you, mom

The other day I was flipping through stuff and found a journal that belonged to you, mom. There were very few poems, and some cute doodles of trees, houses, and clothes.

They were beautiful poems

 My mom always had a way with words, but me not so much. Poems are hard for me. I remember not being able to write them in forth grade; it was quite distressing to me. But, my mother would sit at the table and marvelous words would flow out of her... it was beautiful.




So, I've decided to write a poem for you.

 

If Heaven had a Window

By Jessica Tolasky 12-27-14

If heaven had a window, and you granted me a view

I wouldn't waste time searching

I'd only look for you

I'd listen for your laughter

And wait to see your smile

All because I miss

the scent of your shampoo

If Heaven had a window and you granted me a view 

I'd treasure that sweet moment and only be near you 

Here on earth I pray to God to show me signs of you
and every day that passes you're with me in my mind

I wonder if you're happy 

And waiting there for me

I love you and I miss you 

More than words could say 

I hope that you can hear me 

and listen to my thoughts,
and where ever this life takes me you know I've not forgot.
That once upon a time I was blessed and loved its true,
and if heaven had a window 

 I'd only look for you.

Play me some mountain music- feeling peaceful

There are some songs that take you back. They say that smell is the fastest way to spark a memory because the sense of smell goes straight to the brain. But, for me...there are a few songs that spark such strong memories. And I swear, I feel like I am there again. I can taste, smell, and hear everything again...

This morning, sitting on the sofa, Pandora played one of those songs, and I thought of you mom....

Now, in my house growing up, there was no shortage of country music (with my mom), old rock 'n roll (with my uncle Corey, only he preferred to call it classic), popular stuff (you know, N'sync, Alanins morresette, things they played in the clubs, thanks to Uncle Bucky) and finally, Oldies, but goodies (grandma loved, fly me to the moon, and other things by old blue eyes)..... so since I didn't grow up in a music snob household, I should have lots of SONG memories, right?

Well, there are only three that I can think of.... play me some mountain music, just like grandma and grandpa used to play...

1) Tim Mcgraw, "Don't take the Girl": I am almost 7. We lived in the apartment that had the breakfast bar. I was sitting on the bar stool and the sunshine was gleaming through the window. Aunt wanda was next to me, chatting with my mom who is in the kitchen...all about what is cool about living down in TN. Her voice sounds funny now, she's lived there so long that she has an accent. She played me the cassette tape of don't take the girl, and I was sold. That birthday, I got a boom box and his cassette, and I spent every afternoon doing my homework in my room using the little black walnut end table as my desk and memorizing every song.... I was in love. And when I hear this, I turn back into my 7 year old self, and I miss my Aunt Wanda so much.

2) Frank Sinatra. "Fly me to the moon": Every time I hear this, I can see my grandma standing in the livingroom, by the fishtank singing "fly me to the moon". I can smell her. And hear her voice. It's a nice reminder of her, and I love that. Miss you grandma, but your gallywag will always remember you, and i'll work on writing this book.

3) Alabama. "Mountain Music": The first time I ever remember hearing this song is when I was Indiana. Mom and I decided to ride the Shaffer Queen from the Lake, all the way around. The boys at the top deck were blarring this song, and me and mom sung along. I can see her. I remember the sun on my face. I remember that spaghetti strap shirt, and the sunglasses uncle buck let me barrow, and then that giant pimple I had on my forehead. I remember smelling sunscreen. Mom was beautiful, wearing her striped pink blouse. she looked so happy. We had so much fun. And when I heard this song, I was instantly brought back there...

it was fun to have a couple mins in the sun with you mom. I miss you! Later when I find the pictures from this event, I will post them here :)

Signs of you

Mom, you always believed in "the other side" and "spirits". We used to joke that we would come back and haunt each other. That we would have a list of all the annoying people in our lives and they would be sorry when we were flicking the lights on and off at midnight while they were sleeping. It was all jokes and giggles. 

I took solace in the fact that I knew grandma would visit because we had a strong connection and she "wouldn't just leave us without any goodbye". I remember the night she visited. I was sleeping and it felt like someone was sitting on the edge of my bed. It was her. She looked different. Younger. Her hair was pinned up in puff, super high and there was a light around her. She was skinnier. She was wearing pin strip pants. That was weird. She always wore sweatpants. 

The next morning, I remember coming to you with my concerns: "she was skinny, is she not eating in Heaven? Why wouldn't God feed her?" and "she was dressed fancy, not grandma. Did some other spirit get lost and sit in my room? Maybe YOU Should sleep in there mom, not me?" 

You laughed and cried at me when I told you. You told me that not to worry. IT WAS GRANDMA. But, "when people go to Heaven, they are in a state of perfect health." So, she looked younger and healthier because she was. You said she visited me because you were too sad and upset to get any of her messages, but she knew I was strong enough to get the message to you. I'm glad.

Below is a picture of you. I wonder how old you were. I wonder where on earth you are in this photo. Why didn't I ever ask you? Did you WANT your hair to look like that or was it a mistake? Have you had me already? Were you in high school? Were you not pregnant yet? There are so many things I never asked. I always figured we would have more time I guess. 

Part of me wishes we would have known you were going to die. Maybe if it wasn't so sudden, we could have planned better. I would have been certain that your final wishes were completed. I would have had time to ask all the right questions. I would be able to hold you and hug you and tell you all the things I should have said. Do you think that makes me a bad daughter? I'm glad it was fast and you didn't suffer much. I would never want that. And that is not what I am saying. I guess if I'm aimlessly wishing for a different thing to happen, I should probably be wishing that you never died in the first place. LOL. 

I wonder if this is what your "HEALTHY heaven spirit" would look like? I hope not for fashion's sake, and because I would NEVER be able to recognize  you in heaven.

We used to watch Practical Magic and every time the broom dropped, you used to say, "I promise to leave you signs when I go" and we would laugh. 

Well mom, the broom never fell. 

Last night, I read an article by Silvia Brown, you loved her. She said, our loved ones leave all sorts of signs: (1) they visit in dreams (2) they touch you or sit next to you and you will feel their presence (3) you smell their fragrance (4) you hear their voice (5) Animals will do weird things, like black crows are a big sign (6) they will put objects that have meaning in your path.....there was more, but I forget. 

Once I was dreaming and I thought I felt you. But, I couldn't be sure. I wait to see you in my dreams, but you never really come. Have you forgotten about me? 

None of these signs have really happen to me. And I thought our bond would conquer everything. That we had a connection better than any other mother/daughter pair. So where the heck are you mom???????? Put down the sufflebaord, or the drinks. or whatever you are doing up there. Step away from grandma and Kelly and get down here and visit your daughter!!!!! STAT. 

My current biggest fear is that I will forget you. That I AM forgetting stuff right now. What if I can't tell my kids? What if I don't have kids and your legacyc dies with me? that's so sad. Why couldn't you have kept a diary or wrote me letters, why couldn't we just have more time? 

I will make sure I pay attention to the signs. I'll be waiting mom. I love you and miss you. 

Night will come

When I was little (well 5th grade), we had to learn a lullaby from another culture. Now, I forget what culture I chose, but it was a song I learned in chorus, so I used that one.

You loved it! And sometimes when I couldn't fall asleep, or I had a bad dream, we would sing it. 

You used to leave messages on the house phone for me with it. When I went away to camp for the first time, you told me to, " look up at the moon and say I love you, mom" and at that exact time, she would do the same, and since we were looking at the same moon, she would feel my love and I would feel hers. 

That camping trip, I used the voice recorder you bought me for my history project and sang the lullabye to you. I think you appreciated that...

So, today, this is for you, mom!!!!!

Soon night will come 

Following the sun 

Sounds of the night growing near

Here the winds whispering 

Whispering to you

Sleep sleep sleep 

Goodnight my sweet one 

Goodnight my dear one 

Good night my sweet one

To you, good night! 

Mommy & Jessie First Photo

Snow :)

" Heaven is at the feet of Mothers" -Persian Proverb

Pictures of Kokomo, Indiana where great grandma Kerby lived 

Mom and I sure loved snow. It doesn't snow very often in Baltimore, but when it did, we enjoyed the magic of it. The smell of snow in the air always made you happy mom...and it made me happy too :) 

Here is a picture of the snow at my house in Erie, PA today! 

As I sit here and watch the gentle snowflakes fall, I will think of you mom. Maybe it's a sign from heaven that you are thinking of me too. 

Lalalalala lala lala means.... I love you! I love u mom

Voice

" Don't Poets know it better than others, God can't be everywhere always, so He invented Mothers" - Sir Edward Arnold 

My mother always did her best to be there for my every need. But, not just me-she was always there for my uncles, aunts, cousins, and her mom (my grandma). She bailed family members out countless times. On this particular day (image above), we were staying at the Riviera in Indiana while visiting my Great Grandma. On this visit, we stayed in the Captin's House right across the street from the convenient store, where we gorged ourselves on chick-o sticks all summer long. This was a good day because mom and I walked down to the porch swing at the Lake and watched the water until the sun set. It got chilly and she snuggled close to me to keep warm. We talked and talked. 

I miss our talks. I miss your voice. I feel like I may be forgetting all kinds of things about you. Before you died, it wasn't a struggle to recall anything. But, now, that I can't just run to you with any little question, I am charged with remembering. 

Your voice was sweet and loving. It had a rusty quality. it was beautiful.... 

Disassembled & Rearranged

Five years ago, November 8, 2009 to be specific, many things happened. It was the 20th anniversary of the falling of the Berlin Wall; The Healthcare Reform bill passed in the U.S. House of Reps; People were preparing for the upcoming Veteran's Day; and the News reported on a girl that had lachanophobia- a fear of all vegetables (yea, her and every other child in the U.S.)So many things happened that day... But, five years ago, one of the most important things happened, the world lost Anne Marie Payne: a great sister, my best friend, and my wonderful mother. She was completely selfless in everything that she did. She sacrificed her life, happiness, and love in order to be the most successful and best mother I could have ever asked for. As a child, I never "needed" for anything. My mother worked tirelessly to make sure that my needs were always wanted. And you know, as a single mom, she was both the mother and the father and she did a good job at it. I never knew that I was missing anyone because I was so surrounded by love and joy and values- my family. In fact, it wasn't until I was at least 9 that I realized I didn't have a dad. Myself and little Corey had been throwing the basketball outback at our tree all night and we came in because the mosquitos were through feasting on our ankles and exposed arms. The only light we had was lightening bugs... we were washing up, and we sat next to grandma on the couch, discussing what my Uncle Corey was going to do with the boys and myself the next morning. My grandma mentioned he was what a dad should be. He was better than my dad ever could be because he was present. And shocked, little Corey looked up, "Jessie has a dad?" and we all laughed. We laughed so hard that there were tears in our eyes, and little Corey was just so confused. My mom had done such a terrific job with me, and our whole family that I had never even wanted for my dad. I never wondered what he was doing, or if he was thinking about me. I didn't need him for anything- EVER. Yes, there was that ONE moment that he and my mom made me. But, after that one moment, my mother was transformed into a parent, a caretaker, a loving boo-boo fixer, a chef, a chauffer, an ATM, a personal assistant, a tutor, a santa, a disciplinarian, and a woman of strength, courage, and integrity. And after that moment, my so-called "father", was just the same as he ever was, he was a selfish teenager. So, I owe everything to my mother. I could never imagine life without her, and I didn't think I would ever have to endure this for a very long time. Parents shouldn't die until there children are very old, and have become the parent themselves. But, Alas for the last five years, I had to suffer through life without you, mom. I think God knew he was ready for someone amazing in heaven, and I think my mom did her job so well that God (and my mom) knew that I would make it, that she raised me strong, and taught me how to be the wonderful woman I am right at this moment. So five years ago, my life was disassembled and the little shattered pieces of my heart were rearranged. I have been strong, I haven't quit yet, even though I miss you so much. There is still a piece of my heart that will always be missing because I gave it to my mother a long time ago.... As I fill this blog with memories of my mother, and how much her life means to me, I feel like those pieces slowly mend back together. So, five years ago, I lost my mother, MY life was forever changed. But, I want the whole World to know that they lost something that night too, They lost a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. I think the universe has heard me. I think it knows what it lost, because as I sit here crying, remembering the joy in my mother's eyes and how vivacious she was...the previously sunny skies have opened and rain is pouring. The universe is weeping and so am I. We all miss you mom.

Hockey

I'm changing. Little by little each day, I am changing and you aren't here to see it. 

I like hockey now. I went to my first game tonight with my neighbor. It was great. I got to yell and shout and be compettative. I wish you were here to share it with me. I wish you could see te person I'm growing up to be. 

I miss you more everyday 

I also like avacado now 

I eat my steak medium, I like the pink

I still love onions

I enjoy exercising now, and I like to run. I can't jog for about half a mile now

I can drive. I don't have my liscence yet, but I can do it. 

It can't happen to me

One minute you're going about life; making plans for the future. And the next minute you are blindsided and you're whole world crumbles, like a cheap cookie in milk. 

I never imagined it would happen to me. You see bad things happen on the news, you see it on TV and you think, "what did those people do wrong that it's happening to them?" You never in your wildest dream think it will happen to you. You think, " not my family, not me". Your denial or Ignorance is your security blanket that you hold tight. 

That night, THE night,  my worst nightmere came true. And it happened to me. 

I miss you so much mom and I'm not mad that you left me anymore. I'm glad that you taught me well, sacrificed everything to give me the amazing like we had together. I'm glad I had you-even if out time was cut short. I love you always always

I used to say, "I'd give anything to just go to medical school and be a doctor". Now I wish I never had said that. Because i would much rather give up being a doctor to be with you again. So...I'm just gonna let life happen. What happens, happens. But I won't be that blind kid anymore. It could happen to me. It did happen to me. Could it hAppen to you?